Dear Crush

Dear Crush

Dear Memories

Today I saw you. You're always my favorite sight everyday given my limited options. Patients and computer screens. I wouldn't say that there was anything in particular that you did to make me get a mini heart attack whenever I spot you. I would say it's the way you look so cool pushing away that trolley that you use to disburse the hospital medicine in...and as you call it, your tool of trade. Then again, anyone would push it and they would pass for a child struggling with a load heavier than their years. In my eyes, you are the epitome of the ideal guy, say it with me, my S.I Unit.

Today was special. I was walking really well until I saw you and somehow, my feet knew that they had to panic too. I did trip, but thank heavens you didn't have to witness that embarrassing moment, because as usual, you weren't looking. But alas! From across the hallway, you did witness all that and you kept looking at me, long after I was gone. I know this because I hid behind the wall to look at you. It might interest you to know that the rest of my afternoon was the most inactive part of the day. I fantasized that you caught me after I tripped. You'd have to be around me all the time because boy do I fall! My smile was priceless and my blood pressure was high enough for me to pass the blood donation qualifications that I had miserably failed earlier on in the day.

I was walking down the hallways today with hopes of seeing you, but I did not see you anywhere. My heart sank and I felt beat. Today was not a happy day for me. What if I never see you again? My life would totally be different.

I have to run around the hospital running errands. Everyone around me knows that I am a super tomboy who skids on every floor I can. Couple that with jumpy and clumsy. Of course you wouldn't know this because I want you to see me as the ideal girl that would befit your godly smile. Well, now that I didn't see you anywhere, I lose my guard and I begin running and skidding across the floors. How would I have known that you'd be approaching my direction from God-knows-where? All effort to stop this unladylike behavior fails and I manage to stop only when you halt to ask me where I am headed to in such a rush. My world literally stopped, dear crush. We were in a bubble, just you and I. Time froze...and I couldn't stop grinning. I fumble around with my scarf in a bid to show you my name tag after you asked for my name. Well, I did find it at last and when you said it out loud, "Enid Faraghu", it rolled off your tongue like something extremely rare...like you were indulging in a much needed treat. I'd give the entire world to hear you say it, even if it was for just one more time. You told me that you'd see me around, that suffices at the moment. I have no qualms with it, if it's all I can take. You leisurely walk away as I try to find my feet and begin lumbering headed for my next office attendance. Can I even talk?

Today, there's an end of year luncheon. The entire hospital's staff is going to be in attendance because essentially, that's what it was meant for. I don't care for the luncheon. I did my best today. I dressed with you in mind. What would you love to see me in? I did not disappoint. Everyone complimented my looks. I even combed my kinky hair. Dear crush, that really hurt. I haven't combed this hair for at least a month and mom even gave up on telling me to comb it. But all the same, I did it for you. I queue patiently waiting to be served, craning my neck as hard as I can looking for you. Shall I explain my heartbreak dear crush? I have no words to get you to understand the gut wrenching feeling that settled at the bottom of my heart when I didn't see you. And no amount of ice cream that was being served as dessert could make me feel better. So, when my boss offered extra tickets for me to get some more ice cream, I jumped at the offer deliriously. By now, I'm more than certain that you won't be coming in for the luncheon. Well, for starters, you had mentioned that you feed from a different section from the cafeteria. You spot me and pull my leg about not following the queue. Dear crush, if you did not notice that I froze, well you must be blind. But again those eyes that look at me so intently could never be blind. I offer you my lunch and your acceptance is a relief to me. I could not even chew...me! When you walk me back to my office after a whole two hours of lunch and give you my number, my day is done. I am dying with excitement and joy!

I waited for your call the whole evening but it never came through. Today you haven't called either and I'm starting to wonder if I said something wrong. So, I am telling myself that we (me,myself and I) can swallow our pride and move forward. But almost instantly, your call comes through and I toss that idea to hell. The devil is a liar! I can't sleep tonight. I mean, am I even allowed to? My crush called!

You promised you'd see me over lunch hour today, but you never called. Though I saw you for a couple of minutes, your mind wasn't really there and I could tell that something else was going through your mind. 

These days we are best of friends dear crush! I love this talking stage...the good morning/good night texts...the small talks, the long phone calls, the lack of sleep! Oh dear crush...what has thou done to me? Calls late at night become really personal and I know stuff from years ago. You love my laughter...but then again, you are the ha to my haha! My days are bright, I love seeing your name light up my phone's screen. Did you know that I blush every time we talk and that my heart takes off on a high speed chase? I keep telling myself not to be scared, that it's only love we're falling in. You'd never do me wrong dear crush...and I already know how I'm gonna say my vows! Tihihi :)

You just went quiet. The weekend is over and we haven't talked. Oh! Wait...I forgot to reply to your text. You say you're doing fine and that's it. You're quiet again. I am not sure that I didn't say something wrong and I don't know if I did something that hurt you. But you say you're fine. Maybe that's my cue. I need to back off. But how do I break it to my heart that you won't be the reason for her mini attacks? You see, for the longest time, you're the only person she ever felt that way about...and now you're gone. This heart will find a way to sleep at night, that for a fact we know...but she's not gonna be okay. And when you say hi from across the hallways, she wants to scream out and at least get a reason for the sudden distance. I guess what hurts more is not you leaving, it is the silence and not knowing if the small lived happiness was one sided. It is the not knowing that kills...

I think now that it's all over, it is coming back in flashes. It's like a kaleidoscope of memories which just all come back but you never do. I think that a part of me knew the second that I saw you that this would happen. It's not really anything you said or anything you did, it was the feeling that came along with everything that is you. And what's even more crazy is that I don't know if I will ever feel that way again...but then I don't know if I should. I knew you're world moved too fast and burned too bright. But then I thought, how can the devil be pulling me towards someone who looked so much like an angel when he looks at you? Maybe you knew that when you saw me. I guess I just lost my balance...and I feel that the worst part of it all wasn't losing you dear crush...it was losing me.I don't think you know who you are until you lose who you were.